The Art of Whelming

In the classic 1999 film, 10 Things I Hate About You, Larisa Oleynik's (Alex Mack to the uninformed) character is asked the age-old question, "I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?" Oleynik's Bianca of course answers, "I think you can in Europe," a fact I am not trying to dispute. However, after my experience at Exchange Alley this weekend, it's safe to say that you can save money on the flight to Paris and just head to the East Village to get your whelm on. The overarching feeling I had when leaving EA was that I was just....whelmed.

The experience was really a study in contrast. The space is just downright cozy, a few steps below street level, offering a dark, warm respite to the bitter cold of last Friday night. We walked in at 8 with no reservation and were seated immediately. Obviously this would go down on the "Pros" side of the page. Our waiter, who was sporting an immaculate pencil thin mustache, was downright chatty...a tendency that has been known to cause an immediate TGF walkout...but I have to say, he did an amazing job. Gave us the information we needed without going overboard, was right on time with everything from drinks to the check, hell, even his borderline-inappropriate arm rub felt oh so right. Unfortunately, that was about it for the "Pros" list...except for this:

But we do have to talk about the food. It was just. so. whelming. Started out with the charred kale with chile vinegar and a cow's milk cheese from CT. Both were fine - not exactly reinventing the wheel with the kale side and the cheese, while good, was cheese. Maybe it was my fault for not ordering the jambalaya balls...but knowing what I would be eating on Sunday, I wisely passed. For my main, I went with the herb crusted hanger steak with cauliflower gratin. The steak looked awesome (shown below sans cauliflower) but it was just a total letdown.

The crust highjacked the flavor of the dish and there was just so little flavor from the actual meat. It got pretty monotonous after a while. The cauliflower gratin was good enough, which should be taken as a compliment since my mother's infamous 7 veggie soup was dominated by caulifower and I still wake up with cold sweats screaming for mercy because of that horrific soup. My date had the salt seared cod with almond mashed potatoes and lemon rings. The lemon rings (lemon rinds "confit'ed" in simple syrup and then breaded and fried) just didn't work for me - too bitter. The fish was fine and the potatoees were actually pretty good. But it was strangely served in a deep bowl which made the process of shoveling it into one's mouth more difficult than necessary. 

And they don't have their liquor license yet.

So the bottom line - will I be back? Maybe just for drinks (once they can serve them) on a cold night.

Le Philosophe - Intriguing But Not Calliope

After sampling the awesomeness that is Calliope a few months back and reading all the redundant critics' 2012 Review/2013 Previews saying that the French bistro is back....I headed to Le Philosophe, a new(ish) Frenchie in Noho, a few blocks from Calliope. The chef is a former Jean Georges guy, so we expected the food to be really good, and for the most part it was. I guess. But the whole experience was a bit underwhelming. The space itself is the problem - it's pretty narrow and bare-bones, with a wall featuring headshots of history's great philosophers. It's pretty stark besides that and felt very sterile. I have to say the host was very accommodating to us at 8:30 on a Saturday with no reservation, giving us a table that had been reserved but not yet claimed. Service overall was pretty good - they didn't get in the way.

On to the food. The menu is pretty accessible, with all the entrees $30 and under and several dishes you don't typically see. Plus the wine list has several bottles in each price range, from the $20's through the $40's through the $80's and beyond - not something you see very often and much appreciated. We started off with some Kumamoto oysters which were delicious, but with oysters either they are good or they are bad, really no in between. So not really something worth a pat on the back here - the only reason to get excited is on the downside. Because bad oysters really suck. After that I went with the frog legs with hen of the woods mushroom and a sunchoke and watercress puree. The puree was strikingly green and pretty delicate and the frogs legs were very good - lightly pan fried. My date made a huge deal about how tough and gross they were - but she started making faces before I even ordered them, so her opinion is struck from the record here. I was surprised, given her backwoods childhood, that she hadn't trafficked in Kermit Legs before. But I digress. The real star of the dish was the mushrooms, so flavorful with a nice crispy texture on the outside. Very good.



For mains, I went with the lobster thermidor because it sounded cool and old school (it is, see here). Its basically a lobster tail mixed with cognac and egg yolks, topped with Gruyere. So yea...pretty rich. I would recommend it because it was delicious, but I would recommend ordering it for the table - because eating it all has been known to result in fairly immediate stomach issues. My date got the bacon veiled salmon with squash and black trumpets, which sounded interesting...but turned out to be pretty bad. The bacon seemed like it was left in a smoker for the better part of December and was really all you could taste, plus it was limp. When de-bacon'ed, the salmon was just ok, a bit overcooked. This was a fail for sure.

Moving on to dessert, when I see profiteroles, I always order them. It's one of the best desserts out there. In this case, everything that can go wrong went wrong. The pastry was soft and chewy. THAT CANNOT HAPPEN - the hallmark is flaky crispy dough. Also, The Grumpy prefers to chocolate sauce his own p-roles, not have someone backstage do it. Not a good ending to the meal.

So the bottom line - will I be back? Might be worth another shot with a bigger group to share the lobster, sample some of the other options and guz-guz-guzzle some cheap vino. Plus perennial TGF-favorite Von is around the corner for a nightcap (or emergency bathroom stop).

Absolut Grumpiness

The new culture of not taking reservations disgusts me. Even if it is impossible to get a rez somewhere, that's fine. Because there is a system in place to reward those who thought and planned ahead (or had connections). A free for all at the door means hour-plus waits, elevated grumpiness, and potential pre-dinner overintoxication. But a recent experience proved to be even worse than trolling around the Lower East Side waiting for all the plaid-shirt wearing, wide-framed-glasses-donning hipster donkeys to finish at Mission Street Chinese. I had a reservation (9:45), arrived on time, was completely ignored for 45 minutes at the bar, despite making my presence known to the host, and then halfheartedly offered the worst table in the restaurant - a bar table next to a pillar, packed tightly among the other scores of people waiting for the false-reservations. The abomination of which I speak is none other than Commerce in the West Village.

I'm not going to waste any space on pictures here, and I have no idea how the food is. I've heard it is actually pretty good, the chicken for 2 in particular. But after the reservation process nonsense, and confirming my experience with previous diners, it's safe to say that this place just plain sucks. This is the status quo, massively overbooking reservations and not giving a sh*t when people complain. When we voiced our concern to the 3 (??) hosts/hostesses, we didn't even get an apology. No complimentary glass of wine (see L'Apicio for how to treat your patrons), no nothing. But they did manage to efficiently cancel my 9:45 opentable reservation at 10:40; I received the confirmation email.

So even if the food here is off the charts, I don't care. This is among the worst restaurant experiences I have ever had in New York. And don't misinterpret me here. I understand the system. I am happy to wait 20 minutes for my rez at prime time on a Saturday. But this level of incompetence and indifference is unacceptable.

Don't go here.

On a happier note, we walked over to the little owl, were greeted with a smile, and were seated in five minutes, after enjoying a glass of wine on the perch overlooking the restaurant. Much better.



With great pleasure: Commerce, I award you no thumbs up, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Free Stuff is Good and Awesome Food is Even Better

The weekend before Sandy, I took my date to L'Apicio, the new restaurant from the guys behind Dell'Anima (one of my favorites, see here) and L'Artusi. Now, as we've stated before, The Grumpy Foodie speaks no Italian, so I have no idea what any of these names mean. I can only say that apparently these guys really like using the apostrophe and capital A's. But as long as they keep pumping out awesome Italian food I will keep returning to any future 'A restaurants. L'Apicio had been open a week when I managed to snag a reservation on a Friday night. Now I expected to wait a bit just knowing how popular it would be so we checked in and then posted up at the bar. It's a pretty cool space but felt a little sterile - it's much bigger than Dell'Anima, with a big bar, plenty of bar seating, 2 semi-enclosed rooms in the center with large format seating, surrounded by more tables. There's also a cool lounge area just off the bar with couches and plush chairs which would be awesome to grab a drink with a date.

I had the Manhattan-in-the-Fall, which was a nice cinnamon-tinted Manhatty, and is recommended. But I was starting to lose patience after waiting 30 minutes. The hostess was really understanding and hooked us up with 2 glasses of champagne and then we were seated soon thereafter...this kind of hospitality would become a running theme.

The menu is really just a win-win for everyone. Everything looks good and everything we had was good. We started with the fluke ceviche with apple, jalapeno and chives which was nice and fresh but could have used a bit more citrus. Then we had the polenta with broccoli rabe...but the waiter fumbled and brought us the side of broccoli rabe. Not a problem. We kept the side and soon got the polenta - it was creamy and delicious, presented nicely on a wooden slab. For mains, I had the cavatelli with wild boar ragu. It was perfect. Just the right amount of tomato and sauce in the ragu, and a nice touch of sweetness. My date, as she is prone to do, got the tajarin pasta with porcini mushrooms which had a nice creamy and earthy vibe with a punch of garlic. But come on, you get pasta with mushrooms just about every meal. Change it up once in a while.

We were understandably pretty stuffed at this point, but the hostess must have talked to the sommelier as we got 2 complimentary glasses of wine and flour-less chocolate cake. Now, clearly TGF was positively swayed by the hospitality. Massaging my ego/sense of importance will easily give you an extra grumpy thumbs up. But the food was just so good and the gratuity was so genuine...it was really a perfect meal.

So the bottom line - will I be back? Absolutely, and I won't mind waiting to be seated.

Jimmy's No. 43 (out of 100)

I should have gotten up and walked out when I saw it. It was essentially a harbinger that things were not going to go well the rest of the night. It was a couple having dinner at Jimmy's No. 43, probably fairly early in their relationship. The fellow seemed reluctant to take off his sweater, despite it being quite warm in the restaurant, and when he finally caved in, I saw why. For our leading man, let's call him Jasper, was wearing the exact same red plaid shirt that our fair maiden had donned. He glanced around sheepishly and then turned back, thinking he had gone unseen. But oh no Jasper, I did not miss it...and in fact, thanks to some nifty (though slightly fuzzy) camerawork by my date, you have now been captured by The Grumpy Foodie.

Side note, the waitress, of whom there was only one for the whole restaurant (more later), was also wearing said red plaid shirt. Again, this should have been a sign to cut bait, but I was just too intrigued to leave.

But alas, let's get to the full rundown. I wanted to like the place, I really did. It's a cool set up - head down some (steep) stairs to the subterranean rustic beer bar. Nice bar, good craft beer selection, and supposedly some very above average bar food. So good that they have beer and food pairing multi-course dinner events there. Or so I read.

Like I said, I thought the beer selection was very good, mostly small American breweries and reasonably priced. Jasper had just ditched the sweater when the blistered shishito peppers arrived, which were decent but very repetitive after about 5. Dipping sauce might have helped here. The kale anchovy toast was underdressed...and yes I will take some blame for choosing to order the kale anchovy toast at a gastropub. Moving on to the mains - my date got the burger which had gotten some props on a few blogs, but they whiffed on the horseradish creme fraiche that was supposed to come on top. So it was a bare burger, and when questioned, the one waitress (who was running around like her hair was on fire) said that the curry ketchup for the fries was the burger sauce. Lies. Lies and omissions. My grilled cheese with bacon and onion jam was a disastrous failure. Honestly, as a restaurant how can you screw up the grilled cheese. As a college freshman, I had people paying me for my signature GC's straight off of the caf's panini press. This was pathetic - the bread was completely untoasted...just plain soft bread. The onion jam was clawingly sweet, like a bitter, painful sweet. I didn't finish. Twenty minutes later when I finally flagged over the waitress by standing on my table and throwing fries at her, we quickly paid the bill and left.

So the bottom line - will I be back? That's going to be a no, unless I get a red plaid shirt for Christmas...



(for the beer)

Terrible Restaurant, but Good Food

In my mind, after recent wait-time debacles at RedFarm and Mission St. Chinese, the best way to try the "hot new restaurant" is after it has cooled down a bit. Give it maybe 4-6 months to reduce to luke warm temperature. The food is going to be just as good and it's unlikely the place will be empty, right? Well, this was how I tricked myself into going to Empellon Taqueria in the West Village this weekend. Not only did I convince myself that waiting a while after opening would lead to it being less crowded, but that they would have inevitably worked out the service kinks. And just to make it even more interesting, I eschewed my policy of avoiding "upscale" Mexican joints as I maintain that the dirtier and cheaper Mexican food is, the better. But this place was tacos-only essentially (much like Mercadito which brings a decent game, though is cheaper) so I wasn't going to have to deal with arrogant tortilla foam or any nonsense of that sort. So after all of these qualifying and justifying statements...the meal had to be awesome right????

Obviously not, but allow me to pull back some layers of this complicated little onion. We walked in a little after 9 and were quoted a 15-20 minute wait...so my initial Luke Warm Theory (LWT) was actually fairly accurate. Then 2 prime seats opened up at the bar so we just took those. Ohhhhh what a poor poor choice, young Grumpy. We were greeted by the world's worst bartender...literally the worst bartender I have ever seen. Her dreadlocks must have been pulled too tight because she honestly had the mental capacity of a 4 year old. Exhibit A - no menus for 5 minutes. Exhibit B - after 5 minutes, we receive 1 menu. Exhibit C - couple next to us orders drinks minutes after us, receives said drinks 5 minutes before us. Exhibit D, bartender screws up our drinks, pours them out and starts over. We ordered two margaritas...just standard margaritas..at a Mexican restaurant (which are stupidly $13, clearly should have brought personal margarita flask). Exhibit E - after asking for a food menu, bartender decides not to take food order for 15 minutes.

So I am seconds away from walking out when our 'tender wises up and takes the order, so we stay. We started with the swordfish ceviche, which I don't think I have ever seen on a menu. It was served with crispy capers, jalapenos, and a red salsa. This dish was epic. Literally a perfect dish. Silky fish, nice crunch from the capers, manageable heat. Well...manageable for some, I should say. And I should say that for the following reason. Shortly after a bite (and/or potentially a sip of water, this key fact remains under dispute and we are waiting on video evidence to confirm), my date began choking convulsively. Oddly enough, we experienced a similar phenomenon in a car on the way to the beach this summer, when this same date could not drink water out of a water bottle, choked, started dry heaving and nearly forced us to pull over on the highway. So we have a repeat performance at Empellon, complete with a good 10 minutes of continuous wheezing, coughing and watering eyes, and looks of bemused confusion from our neighbors at the bar. Luckily for me, however, this temporary handicap left the ceviche wide open...and I demolished it.

On to the mains - we tried two different types of tacos. The pork belly with masa spaeztle (if anyone has any idea what this is, please let me know) and green chorizo gravy. The pork belly was legit, very tender but crunchy on the outside, though I hoped for a little more chorizo flavor. Then we had the lamb barbacoa served with cucumber and a mild salsa (pictured left), which after a cursory scan of google I learned is the Mexican form of barbecue (duh), predating the American version. This one was the least successful dish, just because the smokey flavor from the lamb was simply overpowering. Easy on the smoke fellas.

Took us 10 minutes to flag down the bartender (who gave me a weird look when I declined another drink) so we skipped dessert (and most of the tip) and got out of there. Quick note on the scene - it is VERY loud, the bar eventually became about 3 people deep, and the crowd is notably older.

So the bottom line - will I be back? Hmmm....does this place do take out???

A New Neighborhood Favorite and Hopefully a New Trend

The recent food trends have not structurally fit with The Grumpy Foodie's tastes. Be it the migration to Brooklyn (Blanca, Roberta's), the new sorority girls scene with mediocre food (Rosemary's), or volcano-spicy food (Mission Street), it's just not really in TGF's wheelhouse (well that's a bit of a lie on the spicy food front, but my digestive system just really can't handle that kind of fire more than once a month). So I was pretty pumped when a somewhat sleepy, understated French bistro started getting some positive press. I've passed Calliope a few times recently en route to other spots and have been turned on by the lack of crowds, lines, or pretension. We tried walking in on a Saturday night at 8:30, and the restaurant was actually full for once...but only as a result of people moving inside from the large sidewalk seating area because of a torrential downpour. The rain had stopped so the Victorian dressed (for some reason) hostess put us at a dry table outside. The inside is nice, fairly standard bistro decor with plenty of mirrors and shimmering lights, but again the covered outdoor space is pretty prime.

It's a totally mixed bag in terms of clientele - families lingering over dessert, couples, groups of various ages - which adds to the unpretentious, very un-Rosemary's-ish vibe. Basically, the point that I have spent unnecessary words getting to is that it's just a great neighborhood type spot.

We started with the spicy marinated mackeral with avocado and black sesame seeds. Definitely was not expecting it to be served cold but it really worked, the fish was silky and flavorful and there was just a touch of heat from the chili oil. Very good. Wanted to try the Provencal tomato tart with olives but they were out, which means it is probably as good as it sounds, so went straight to mains. I had the halibut with saffron mussel broth and leeks which was a winner. The fish was perfectly cooked and the broth and leeks added good flavor. My unimaginative date went boring with the roast chicken with stuffed cabbage and wow...this was up there with the chicken at Barbuto, no joke. The skin was so crispy and deliciously salty and the bird itself moist. The cabbage stuffed with vegetables was just ok, but the heirloom carrots on the side were really nice. What I liked most about the food was that it wasn't your run-of-the mill bistro food, but a more modern take with some ingredients you don't see everywhere.

Another thing to like about Calliope - the wine menu. $8-10 for a glass. Judging from recent experience, I thought Mayor Bloomberg had banned single digit glasses of wine. We actually went to Aldea in Flatiron before coming here, but a) we could only be seated at the bar (because the restaurant is so narrow that it can only fit approximately 6 tables on each level) and b) their wines were $12-17 a pop. I mean come on, I know that those bottles can't retail for much more than $20-25 so it's really just an insult to price them like that. And the difference in quality between the two wine lists is definitely not 50-100%, as the prices indicate. Just ridiculous.

Lastly the service...it was pretty good. They pretty much do it by committee, and while they were largely good, this one dude kept talking about how he almost had a full ACL-MCL tear turning the corner to come to our table. Appreciate that you are psyched about football season, bro, but come on, that just doesn't suit the environment. I think he needed to have a quick huddle with the Victorian gal up front so they could both find a happy medium.

So the bottom line - will I be back? Pretty clear the answer is yes - well priced neighborhood go to spot.

Last rant - waiting outside the bathrooms here a guy came up to me and asked if I was waiting to use the bathroom. This type of thing is really starting to get on my nerves. WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING? Just hangin' outside the john cuz I like the smell? Come on guy.